Yesterday, President Obama said in an interview with ABC News that he thinks “same sex couples should be able to marry.” While this statement may seem to be as obvious as saying “the sky is blue” or “the sun rises in the east,” it nonetheless stands out because it hasn’t been said by an American president before. Obama continued to explain why it’s taken so long for him to come up with this truth we otherwise hold to be self-evident. He contextualized the idea by generation, saying that his children’s friends have same-sex parents, and it wouldn’t dawn on them that they would be treated any differently. This is interesting, since it provides a ready glide-path to allow anti-gay marriage people to change their minds gracefully. As in actually change their minds. This seems to be a practical approach. I happen to disagree.
Sometimes, people need to be slapped in the face. Snap out of it, and stop dragging those knuckles on the ground. Up until this point in time, the Obama administration’s messaging point on gay marriage what this it was evolving. This had a very Don’t Ask Don’t Tell flavor, of trying to pacify both sides of the aisle, and truly satisfying neither. But just enough to keep everyone voting for you. Now that Obama has come out so to speak, seemingly late in the debate, the response at least on my Facebook News Feed has been mostly annoyance from liberal-minded folks. Myself included, sharing the administration’s meme-friendly quote-pic with the caption, “Well it’s about time.”
Setting aside my own hubris of quoting myself to make a point, this is a perfect example of silence validating the status quo. Obama has always been a Centrist, and we often heaped our liberal hopes upon his shoulders, but they frequently fell away to practical concerns. And yet he is the most influential person in America. Even more than Oprah Winfrey. His silence was more damning than the harebrained petitions floating around from churchy, Floridian crackpot groups. If we must be the change we wish to see in the world, the President is best-positioned to be the change and have it modeled by others. Well, we now have this essential first step, in changing a status quo that is completely out of step with what is right.
And yes this is about right and wrong. This is a universal ethical standard. It’s not something that was acceptable in the past, and we can condone the pervasive anti-gay mentality, just because it’s what everyone else was doing. It was never acceptable in an absolute sense. There are many things that are vestigial to us as a so-called civilization, that were never okay, and this is a huge one that still exists today. We can’t shake our heads at our ancestors who denied women the vote, the right to own property, denied basic human rights to people of the wrong skin color, and say, well, the time just isn’t right for gay marriage. No. Doesn’t work. Stand up and say something.
And enough with the glide paths. There’s no need to respect our elders when they’re wrong. Granted they’re the ones who actually vote, so I get the whole political expediency question, but we don’t deserve this process. The state by state piecemeal approach doesn’t seem to conform with equal treatment under the law either. We can’t just shrug our shoulders and say, “the world is thus.” This is a civil rights issue. This is a human rights issue. Our nation should be doing the right thing as one nation. Isn’t that what the Constitution is for? Isn’t that what the Bill of Rights is for? Isn’t that what Constitutional Amendments are for? Enough with the glide paths. Let’s take the direct path. Perhaps then we won’t be quite so embarrassed by our record when the aliens come.
SF: I really have no idea why the government spends time regulating marriage to begin with — particularly drawing lines between people. I find it enormously embarrassing that we haven’t learned any of the lessons of our past. Discrimination has never moved the interests of this nation forward. In fact, it has often been the source of some of the darkest and most difficult times in our history. Sigh.
Also, I’m sick of the morality politics. We have enormous structural issues to consider right now — our infrastructure is outdated, our employment rate is sky high, Europe is in tatters, we’ve got an underfunded social security net. Yet somehow we’re spending our time discriminating against minority groups. I’m glad people have beliefs; it gives them a grounding and a direction. But the insistence on subjecting others to these beliefs is the height of arrogance.
I hate wedge politics, but gay marriage is one of the few areas that can shift my vote.
I am torn. I agree with your sentiment here, but I also wrestle constantly with finding the most effective way to not just be the change we want to see in the world, but to amplify that change, to inspire and connect with people who have very different world views than we do. The hypocrisy around gay marriage makes me furious, but that doesn’t mean that that fury is the fastest way forward.
In Obama’s case he is having to tread carefully lest he hurt the people who have supported him the most. I don’t even think it’s about politics. It’s that he understands in a very direct way how they feel. I had an RN in Richmond who was very distraught about her gay daughter. She loved her and was struggling to support her (there were also drugs involved), but she also heard weekly in church that her daughter’s “choices” were against God’s law. It hurt her deeply. For Obama to just come out and say look, wake up already, stop being bigoted idiots, it could have broken this woman’s heart. I completely understand why he wouldn’t say it that way, and I thought the way he did position it — even though you could hear the caution in his voice that to me was frustrating, not at him but with American society that requires that caution — was expertly done. To genuinely change these people’s minds — which actually is necessary to make this change happen without putting the very people we’re fighting for at risk — they have to be able to understand, they have to be able to connect with the people being disenfranchised, they have to see a way into the thinking that goes against what their spiritual leaders are saying. It is not easy.
So I’m torn. My fury about this has been massive and I don’t want to diminish that ( http://zhai.livejournal.com/328421.html ), but I also want genuine change, and not war.
Erin, thank you for writing in. I love reading your posts.
But respectfully, I disagree. Glide paths have no momentum for change, they are temporary band aids. Don’t Ask Don’t Tell lasted 20 years, and simply parked the issue. Your RN friend is still going to church and having that hoary ancient ideology enforce her thinking. People need to stand up and say what’s right. There are too many loud, old, authoritarian voices intoning from the pulpit and the radio microphone saying things that are patently wrong, out of step with reality, and actively, unjustifiably harming people.
In our history, steel is among the strongest catalysts for human change. As progressive thinkers, let’s show some. Not excuses for wrong thinking.
As you said in your awesome article you linked: “Now please die out quietly so that the children you think you were trying to protect can recover from the emotional abuse of your hatred and join the rest of us in the 21st century.”